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My biggest fear is a little ridiculous. I didn’t recognize it until this morning when I received two random texts from friends. Heath has mentioned it before, how often I bring up this fear of mine. I brushed off his concerns because I was too strong for that and too confident for that.
But my fear lies in asking myself one small question:
“Do you think people ____________?”
I subconsciously ask this question nearly every day, without thinking of the damaging effects. I ruminate over the answers silently while we drive down the road.
Do you think people think we’re cool?
Do you think people will think I’m official since I’m wearing all black?
Do you think they liked us?
Do you think my sister reads my blog?
Do you think my niece will remember who we are?
All of these questions reveal hidden truths about me. More than I should share aloud, probably.
- I care about what people think about me. I care how you view my choices, my wardrobe, my husband, and the awkward fit of the slipcover on my RV couch. I want people to think highly of me. Who doesn’t, right?
- I care what you think, but I even care about what you think that other people think. Try saying that five times fast. I’m getting secondhand guesses about possible opinions about my life and taking them to heart. It just seems juvenile when I pause to think about what I’m doing to myself.
But not only this, I realized something else this morning while I lie in bed listening to the rain sifting through apps on my iPhone.
- I define how I view myself from the answers to these questions. It sounds pretty silly, right? This something we learned not to do in middle school. Don’t give in to peer pressure. Don’t worry about what others think of you. Be yourself. It’s a cliche struggle.
But it’s my struggle. Maybe you didn’t realize that you struggle with it too.
I’ll let you know when I figure out how to overcome.